March is my birthday month. I love birthdays. Anyone’s birthday. But this one feels a little different, something I wasn’t really conscious of until my psychologist recently pointed it out: “Maybe all this came up because it’s nearly your birthday – like a reminder that you’re not where you want to be.”
Well I’ll be damned!
You’re probably thinking, ‘wait, didn’t you tell me in that other post to Amor fati and all that crap!?’ (because you’re definitely reading all my posts).
Well yes I did say that but also old habits die hard ok!
My main TERRIBLE habit is a constant, unrelenting pressure on myself to DO BETTER. I return from a seven-week, absolutely unbelievable European holiday and you know what I say to myself? Damn girl now you can’t afford to buy a house!
I cannot win against myself. I’m like a dog chasing it’s tail – round and round always chasing something, solving something, creating something. Harking back to that aforementioned last post, I suppose this behaviour is in-line with Manson’s idea about avoiding The Uncomfortable Truth. My Uncomfortable Truth being that I am a 33 year-old divorcee single parent living at home with her parents who may never find love again and consequently won’t have anymore children. EEEP there I said it.
But I’m very aware of this lovely personality trait of mine and as my psych recommended, I try to be kinder to myself. ‘Yes Katie, have another piece of cheese. You deserve it.’
There’s nothing wrong with being a 33 year-old divorcee single parent living at home with her parents who may never find love again and consequently won’t have anymore children when I’m actually very happy with my day-to-day life. I think we all need to try harder to get off the treadmill of life and get out from under that pressure-filled weight we’re carrying around. As well as stop focusing on what we’re yet to achieve or what we can’t afford, and yeah, Amor fati!
So for this birthday that’s exactly what I did – I got off the treadmill and I invited many of my close friends to do the same. I hired a beautiful apartment on the coast, we ate lunch at a restaurant I’d been dying to try, drank all the wines and cocktails, and just indulged.
In this day and age the pressure we put on ourselves is outrageous – at work, at home, as parents, as partners or friends. It is constant. We may not even realise we’re doing it but it’s there, it’s happening. I actually think it’s somewhat unavoidable to be honest. But in my opinion we need to not just get off the treadmill but burn it.
But that’s also because I hate exercise 🙂